½ cups water(add more water later if required)
½ cup oil
2 eggs
3 tablespoons peanut butter
2 tsp. vanilla
2 cups flour
½ cup cornmeal
½ cup oats Blend wet ingredients together. Whisk dry ingredients together and mix into wet mixture to form a ball of dough. Roll out and shape. Put onto a non-stick cookie tray or lightly greased one. Cook 20 minutes at 400 F. Turn off oven and allow the biscuits to cool in oven until crisp and hard. Store in airtight container.

Should I take my pet trick-or-treating? This may sound fun, but it’s really a bad idea, veterinarians say. Even the most laid-back pets can spook or be spooked.And if you think it’s tough to keep kids from snitching candy, try monitoring a nose-to-the ground dog in the dark when candy, wrappers and wayward costume pieces rain down.

In the state of political correctness, nobody is a “liar” they are simply “verbally superfluous”. No one is a “housekeeper,” they are “domestic engineers.” See how we can apply this “game” to the many activities of our cats:

• My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
• My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
• My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
• My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
• My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
• My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
• My cat is not a “shedding machine”, she is a hair relocation stylist.
• My cat is not a “treat-seeking missile,” she enjoys the proximity of food.
• My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
• My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
• My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
• My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
• My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
• My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
• My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
• My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
• My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
• My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
• My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).

A Man, a Woman, and a Cat.

At the beginning of a relationship…

Woman: Darling, I’d like you to meet my cat.
Man: (under his breath: Ugh. I hate cats.) Uh, hi. Nice kitty.

As the relationship progresses…

Woman: Dear, I get the impression that you don’t like my cat.
Man: That’s ridiculous. I love Poopsie. (under his breath: This cat is ruining our relationship.)

As the relationship reaches a more stable level…

Woman: Oh, Poopsie looks just so cute sitting there on your lap.
Man: (Darn thing’s shedding all over my new suit.) Well, I guess she’s not so bad.

Later…

Woman: I swear, you like that cat more than you like me.
Man: You know that’s not true. I can’t help it if she follows me around all the time.

The final stage…

Man: Honey, have you seen my cat anywhere?
Woman: What do you mean, your cat?

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. “Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing …and the angel lit the candle, you come on stage and light all the candles.”

“…and the cat peed on the matches!”

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. “Kitty box crunchies”, although they are tastie, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad’s laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for dad’s driver’s license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom trash can, because I don’t want to have a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not play “roll around in the dirt” after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person’s leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not let out gas in my owner’s face while sleeping on the pillow next to his head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn’t mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
29. I will stop turning around and smelling my butt because it makes people put me outside.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

A mouse used to live in a winery, and he would climb up on the rim of a vat and run around and around the edge. One day he finally slipped and fell into the vat full of wine. He couldn’t get out again, so he swam around in the wine and shouted, “Help! Help!”

A cat heard the mouse’s cries for help, climbed up onto the rim and sat looking down at him. The mouse cried, “Please, Mr. Cat, help me! I’m drowning!”

The cat said, “Well, if I save you, what do I get?”

The mouse said, “Anything! Help me!”

The cat said, “Well, if I save you, can I eat you?”

The mouse said, “Yes! Yes! Anything you want!” So the cat reached down with his paw and hooked the mouse back up to safety. The mouse immediately shook himself dry and then darted back into his hole.

The cat said, “Mr. Mouse, you’re not keeping your word! You said I could eat you!”

The mouse said, “Well, Mr. Cat, what do you expect? I was drunk at the time!”

1. Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
2. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
3. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again…
4. Doesn’t get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
5. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y
6. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty “9 Lives” cans.
7. Spends all day in litter box separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
8. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”

And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”

And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Timmy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbour was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”