a Better Pet Central

In the state of political correctness, nobody is a “liar” they are simply “verbally superfluous”. No one is a “housekeeper,” they are “domestic engineers.” See how we can apply this “game” to the many activities of our cats:

• My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
• My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
• My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
• My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
• My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
• My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
• My cat is not a “shedding machine”, she is a hair relocation stylist.
• My cat is not a “treat-seeking missile,” she enjoys the proximity of food.
• My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
• My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
• My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
• My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
• My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
• My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
• My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
• My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
• My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
• My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
• My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).

A Man, a Woman, and a Cat.

At the beginning of a relationship…

Woman: Darling, I’d like you to meet my cat.
Man: (under his breath: Ugh. I hate cats.) Uh, hi. Nice kitty.

As the relationship progresses…

Woman: Dear, I get the impression that you don’t like my cat.
Man: That’s ridiculous. I love Poopsie. (under his breath: This cat is ruining our relationship.)

As the relationship reaches a more stable level…

Woman: Oh, Poopsie looks just so cute sitting there on your lap.
Man: (Darn thing’s shedding all over my new suit.) Well, I guess she’s not so bad.

Later…

Woman: I swear, you like that cat more than you like me.
Man: You know that’s not true. I can’t help it if she follows me around all the time.

The final stage…

Man: Honey, have you seen my cat anywhere?
Woman: What do you mean, your cat?

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. “Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing …and the angel lit the candle, you come on stage and light all the candles.”

“…and the cat peed on the matches!”

A mouse used to live in a winery, and he would climb up on the rim of a vat and run around and around the edge. One day he finally slipped and fell into the vat full of wine. He couldn’t get out again, so he swam around in the wine and shouted, “Help! Help!”

A cat heard the mouse’s cries for help, climbed up onto the rim and sat looking down at him. The mouse cried, “Please, Mr. Cat, help me! I’m drowning!”

The cat said, “Well, if I save you, what do I get?”

The mouse said, “Anything! Help me!”

The cat said, “Well, if I save you, can I eat you?”

The mouse said, “Yes! Yes! Anything you want!” So the cat reached down with his paw and hooked the mouse back up to safety. The mouse immediately shook himself dry and then darted back into his hole.

The cat said, “Mr. Mouse, you’re not keeping your word! You said I could eat you!”

The mouse said, “Well, Mr. Cat, what do you expect? I was drunk at the time!”

1. Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
2. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
3. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again…
4. Doesn’t get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
5. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y
6. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty “9 Lives” cans.
7. Spends all day in litter box separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
8. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”

And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”

And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Timmy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbour was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.” The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer.

The mice answered, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more,” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”

A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her,” the woman told him. “She looks as if she’s going to have kittens, but that’s impossible. She’s never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash.” The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy.

“But she can’t be,” protested the woman. “It’s impossible.”

At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa.

“How about him?” asked the vet.

“Don’t be silly,” answered the woman. “That’s her brother.”