a Better Pet Central

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. “Kitty box crunchies”, although they are tastie, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad’s laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for dad’s driver’s license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom trash can, because I don’t want to have a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not play “roll around in the dirt” after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person’s leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not let out gas in my owner’s face while sleeping on the pillow next to his head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn’t mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
29. I will stop turning around and smelling my butt because it makes people put me outside.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.” - John Steinbeck

“Even the tiniest Poodle or Chihuahua is still a wolf at heart.” - Dorothy Hinshaw Patent, Dogs: The Wolf Within

“Dogs are our link to paradise. They don’t know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring–it was peace.” - Milan Kundera

“Old dogs, like old shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well.” - Bonnie Wilcox ‘Old Dogs, Old Friends’

“If your dog doesn’t like someone you probably shouldn’t either.” - Unknown

“He is my other eyes that can see above the clouds; my other ears that hear above the winds. He is the part of me that can reach out into the sea. He has told me a thousand times over that I am his reason for being; by the way he rests against my leg; by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile; by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me.) When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive. When I am angry, he clowns to make me smile. When I am happy, he is joy unbounded. When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another man. With him, I am all-powerful. He is loyalty itself. He has taught me the meaning of devotion. With him, I know a secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant. His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things. He has promised to wait for me… whenever… wherever - in case I need him. And I expect I will - as I always have. He is just my dog.” - Gene Hill