Bath:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Bicycles:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves, and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

Bump:
The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

Deafness:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

Dog Bed:
Any soft, dean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

Drool:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly, you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

Garbage Can:
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

Goose Bump:
A maneuver to use as a lest resort when the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you require,….especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See below.

Lean:
Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

Leash:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

Love:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

Sniff:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

Sofas:
Are to dog like napkins are to people. After eating, it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

Thunder:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. Let’s not forget exiting via windows, chewing door frames and clawing every door in the house!

Wastebasket:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

Post them where they can be read by your pets.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food.

Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win because I will fall faster than you can run.

A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years — feline or canine attendance is not required.

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit Us and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t like their hair on your clothing, then stay off the furniture. (That’s why it’s called it “fur”niture.)
3. I like my pets better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he or she is an adopted son or daughter who is hairy, short, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

1. You can’t see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose prints all over the inside.
2. You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don’t.
3. You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs its walk.
4. You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night.
5. You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).
6. You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all its favorite spots.
7. You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
8. You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
9. You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.
10. Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site.
11. You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.
12. Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).
13. You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don’t.
14. You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
15. You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
16. You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
17. You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
18. You’d rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.
19. You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it’s one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
20. You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.
21. You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
22. You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.
23. Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
24. Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
25. You don’t think it’s the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping “Meg, pee!” over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she’s out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).
26. You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
27. You have your dog’s picture on your office desk (but no one else’s).
28. You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
29. You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
30. You don’t go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
31. Your friend’s dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
32. Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).
33. You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
34. When you get your latest roll of film and there isn’t a single picture of a two-legged person in it…